You hear all the time that people over-dose on drugs and live through it. Not only do they live through it, they wake up and learn from their mistake to become a better person. The biggest question I have of my son’s death is WHY DIDN’T HE GET A SECOND CHANCE? I still can’t get this out of my head.
|ME, JOHNNY, JOHNNY, GAVIN|
Johnny, my adult son will be gone 4 years in a couple of weeks. He left behind 4 beautiful kids which one of them is Brody that we raise. The other 3 are with their Nana. Johnny doesn’t look like he was a drug addict, does he? When he passed he was married with 4 kids. No, he wasn’t a very good dad…but he wanted to be. He loved his family so much, he just had a problem. The person he was married to also had/has a problem, but that’s another story.
People tell me not to question God…and frankly, I’m tired of hearing that. I’m so sad that my son did not get a second chance of life. I’ll never understand why, and why in the first place did he have to leave us like he did. I have to say I didn’t know his drug use was so bad. He was suppose to be getting better, but he hid everything from me, so how was I suppose to know.
It’s a complicated story that none of you will really understand. But what I’m more upset about is how many did not came to my side when it happened. I live across the street from a church in which I was attending when Johnny passed. Only one person came over to console me. Another couple helped by giving me books to read. But this sort of thing had never happened in their church, so they really didn’t know how to go about it. I do not go to that church anymore.
I’m wondering if any of my readers have lost a loved one so close to them – as of a child and if everyone has forgotten about it. It seems that friends and even family have forgotten that I lost my only child…not even 4 years ago. No, I’m not over it, yes, I still hurt.
Now that I’m going through menopause and have developed hypothyroidism I honestly feel like I’m a different person inside and out. I get hot flashes all the time…day and night. I’m now getting off depression medicine because I read where long term use could cause hypothyroidism – WHAT! So I’m really emotional right now. Thank goodness I have a thoughtful husband. I didn’t say he was understanding, but he is a very thoughtful man which helps me get by day to day.
July and August are not my favorite months anymore. Johnny’s birthday is July 9 and he passed on August 26. I’m very sad – however I normally keep it to myself. August is much harder.
I tend to live in the present – which is good for everyone. However, I can’t seem to go visit my son’s grave. It’s been about a year since I’ve been there. I really don’t understand it all…Grieving can last a lifetime I’ve been told and I believe it. I know I have not fully grieved like I should, maybe it’s because we are raising Brody and my thoughts are on him all the time…And thank goodness I have my blog here and do part work on it, plus I have a space to write what I feel.
I haven’t written much about Johnny, but maybe I should start. There were so many happy times with him.
I do not want my grand kids to forget him. I will continue to talk about him. I know Johnny’s dad’s side of the family talk regularly about him. Only thing is, my husband and I decided to become Brody’s Mom and Dad and not Nana and Papa like we are to the other grand kids. So Brody does not know anything about the death of his real father. He will in time. All he knows at this point is that I had another son that is in heaven. He’s too young to question anymore. The time will come when I sit him down to tell him bits of the story and I will not tell him anything he doesn’t need to know – he’s only 4 yrs old. I just hope no one tells him before I do.
What ever you do, please if you know of someone who has lost a loved one, please don’t forget that they’ve lost a loved one and please know that they are still suffering inside even though they may seem to be okay on the outside – they are not…how could they be. Don’t forget them and the hard times they are going through, especially on the anniversary of the death. Send them some thoughtful words and maybe even a greeting card.
JOHNNY DANE TAYLOR was a good son, a good man and he loved his family.